


interdepartmental courtship rituals

by eversall



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Crack-ish, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 13:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10190831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversall/pseuds/eversall
Summary: Simon and Jace, as told by a series of emails, incident reports, and memos between the exasperated agents of the Idris Department of Demon Activity.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i am the QUEEN of taking tumblr prompts and purposefully misinterpreting them. so...when the only guidance [ earlsleg ](http://earlsleg.tumblr.com/) gave me was "jimon + ???" i decided i was gonna literally work '???' into a fic. i started this crack-ish au back during jimon week and i am _finally_ finishing it, BLESS.
> 
> and as always, if you too want the dubious pleasure of prompting me and having the prompt get way out of hand, you can always send me an ask on my [ tumblr ](http://eversall.tumblr.com/)!!
> 
> note: because i copy pasted straight from word, ao3 automatically made all the email addresses links and i didn't feel like going through and removing them all. i feel like it should go without saying but like...they're not real links. don't click on them. or do, i mean i don't want to tell you how to live your life but clicking on them leads nowhere.
> 
> also am i aware that i can probably edit the spacing in this fic to make it look better? yes. am i going to do it? no. i am not that patient.

INTERDEPARTMENTAL MEMO:

Agents are reminded to keep interactions civil. As you are all well aware, any sighted incident of hostile altercations will result in tolerance workshops for all parties involved.

Sincerely,

Luke Garroway

Interdepartmental Damage Control Supervisor

Director, Werewolf Division

.

**From:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject:** why are you like this

Jace, are you the one pulling random vamp agents out of the corridors and threatening them?? Stop that!

 

Best,

Simon Lewis

Active Field Agent, Department of Night Children

.

**From:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**To:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**Subject: Re:** why are you like this

Simon, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I would _never_ be threatening the Night Children because they poached you from our department. _Never_.

 

Regards,

Jace Lightwood

Weapons Specialist

Lead Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

 

P.S. – I see you’ve stopped using your Shadowhunters signature. Traitor.

 

.

**From:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject:** I LITERALLY SAW YOU DO IT

I told you a million times, I was only a temporary accounts specialist for DOSH! I’ve been training for _months_ to work with the vamps, stop ruining this for me. I’m a vamp agent, and a really good one too!

 

ALSO I _SAW_ YOU THREATEN LILY SO FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP SHE’S ONE OF MY FEW FRIENDS IN THIS DEPARTMENT AND I NEED HER ON MY SIDE.

 

Best,

Simon Lewis

Active Field Agent, Department of Night Children

 

P.S. – Again, the DOSH signature was _temporary_. Do you know what that means?

 

.

TRAINING NOTICE:

Jace,

Again? Come to my office. You _do_ realize that as a spy agency, we have _cameras_ everywhere? Now you’re going to have to go to one of Lydia’s seminars.

 

Sincerely,

Luke Garroway

Interdepartmental Damage Control Director

Werewolf Division

.

_Incident Report:_

_Overview:_ At 7:15 this morning, Jace Lightwood snuck into Simon Lewis’ office, where Simon was sleeping after his last mission debrief, and attempted to smuggle him out. This didn’t work because a) I was in the office across from him, with my door open, staring right at Jace the whole time, and b) Simon woke up right as Jace was carrying him out the door and he hit Jace in the face, sending both of them tumbling to the ground. The smuggling attempt was aborted.

_Witness_ : Lily Chen

_Involved Members_ : Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis

_Additional Comments_ : Are we sure these boys are _spies_?

.

**From:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris)

**Subject:** please control your brother

Izzy, can you _please_ tell Jace to knock it off? He’s whining at the other vamps, he’s tried to smuggle me out of the department _four times_ , and he _won’t stop showing up to my ops_. I can’t crack down on this yin fen ring because Jace keeps scaring away my informants!

 

Best,

Simon Lewis

Active Field Agent, Department of Night Children

.

**From:** [lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris)

**To:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**Subject:** have you considered why he’s doing that

Simon, this isn’t rocket science. Don’t tell me you haven’t figured this out yet. Also, I have a new blood flask I want you to try out, stop by my office.

 

Sincerely,

Isabelle Lightwood

Director, Department of Research and Development

On-Call Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

.

NIGHT CHILDREN MEMO

Why do we keep losing Simon?

Raphael Santiago

Interim Director, Department of Night Children

.

**From:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**To:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**Subject:** come be an accountant

Do you really need to be an active field agent? On the _field_? You can’t even walk down the stairs without tripping, how are you going to be a fucking spy?

 

Regards,

Jace Lightwood

Weapons Specialist

Lead Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

 

.

**From:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject:** it’s not like I just randomly decided to become a spy

I passed my field tests with flying colors. The whole reason I joined DODA was because I became a vampire, or did you forget that? Stop trying to convince me to go back to being a boring accountant.

 

Best,

Simon Lewis

Active Field Agent, Department of Night Children

 

.

INTERDEPARTMENTAL MEMO

A reminder to all agents that job titles are not merely ‘suggestions’, and department assignments are not ‘up for interpretation’.

Sincerely,

Alec Lightwood

Director, Department of Shadowhunters

Head of Idris Department of Demon Activity

.

[jaceface]: simon where are u

[jaceface]: I’m so bored

[jaceface]: where are youuuuuuu

[si-fi-mon]: ur kidding me right I’m on a mission

[si-fi-mon]: yin fen crackdown

[si-fi-mon]: honestly I make a really good California surfer dude. This should always be my undercover personality.

[si-fi-mon]: what’s hanging, dude. brahhhh. surfs totally up.

[jaceface]: no

[jaceface]: never do that

[jaceface]: i’m embarrassed to know you

.

_Incident Report:_

_Overview:_ Joint mission between Simon and I was interrupted by Jace. How did Jace even get out of the training seminar he was supposed to go to with Lydia?

_Witness_ : Clary Fray

_Involved Members_ : Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis

_Additional Comments_ : How can I get out of Lydia’s seminars?

.

NIGHT CHILDREN MEMO

Seriously, where the hell is Simon.

Raphael Santiago

Interim Director, Department of Night Children

.

**From:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [santiago.raphael@nc.doda.idris](mailto:santiago.raphael@nc.doda.idris)

**Subject:** stop sending those damn memos

You _know_ Jace is just baiting you, don’t worry about it. I’m always back in time for missions.

 

Best,

Simon Lewis

Active Field Agent, Department of Night Children

.

**From:** [santiago.raphael@nc.doda.idris](mailto:santiago.raphael@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**Subject:** I’ll send as many damn memos as I want

I don’t care what weird courtship ritual Jace thinks he’s doing, we’re _this_ close to cracking the yin fen ring and I need all my agents ready to go at a moment’s notice. Leave off flirting with the Wayland boy for _five minutes_ and come back to our department, Simon.

 

Raphael Santiago

Interim Director, Department of Night Children

.

**From:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [santiago.raphael@nc.doda.idris](mailto:santiago.raphael@nc.doda.idris)

**Subject** : unfair!!

I’M NOT FLIRTING WITH HIM.

 

Best,

Simon Lewis

Active Field Agent, Department of Night Children

.

_From The Desk Of Clary Fray_

Jace, you’re a good friend and I love you, I really do, but if you show up to one more of the missions that Simon and I go on I will die your hair green while you sleep and hack half of it off. I am not joking, Wayland _._

.

_Notebook: Property of Alec Lightwood_

**Mission Debrief Notes:** Yin Fen Warehouse Crack Down

**Department:** Joint Mission, Shadowhunters + Night Children

**Supervisors:** Alexander Lightwood, Raphael Santiago

**Agents Involved:** Clary Fray, Simon Lewis, ~~Jace Wayland~~

**Overview** :

  * Informant left magic encrypted clues to warehouse. Encryption broken by warlock consultant (Note: go thank consultant. Extremely short-notice job, and it was done so well)
  * Lewis still playing role of yin fen smuggler from West Coast. Good/bad idea? Seems like a nervous wreck, but not compromised yet
  * Fray getting very good at inventing new runes to stay hidden, what the fuck
  * Why is Jace here
  * Fray glaring at Jace. Fray _never_ glares at Jace
  * Did Jace go on this mission?
  * Jace insists he was in the neighborhood getting a coffee
  * In the neighborhood?? Of a vampire drug smuggling den?
  * Note: look up nearest Starbucks to warehouse to see is Jace is lying



 

**Consensus** : Mission successful; follow-up mission to crack top ring of smuggled planned.

.

**From:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**To:**[lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris); [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject** : i’m being attacked!!!

Why is my override authority for missions not working with the yin-fen ring? I’m adding myself to the mission.

 

Regards,

Jace Lightwood

Weapons Specialist

Lead Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

.

**From:** [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)

**To:**[lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris); [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject:** DO NOT _EVER_ AGAIN TITLE YOUR EMAIL “I’M BEING ATTACKED” UNLESS YOU ARE BEING PHYSICALLY ATTACKED I MEAN IT JACE

Thanks for making me _run_ through the Institute like a demented demon, nearly _stabbing Simon_ with my blade when I ran into your office. (Why is Simon in your office? He’s not our accountant anymore, seriously.) Now I have to go to a seminar with Lydia for _sensitivity_ training. (How did you get out of yours? How come you’re the only one who can do that? I’m the head of this entire thing and I can’t do that).

 

Sincerely,

Alec Lightwood

Director, Department of Shadowhunters

Head of Idris Department of Demon Activity

 

P.S. – Clary asked me to revoke your override authority for that mission because you’re disturbing her and Simon. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be going with me and Izzy to check out demon activity along the Hudson during the next part of their op?

.

**From:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**To:**[lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris); [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject** : wow and they call me dramatic

Sorry Alec, trade secret for getting out of Lydia’s seminars. Simon and I were going to go train when you barged in. We’re working on his aim and stealth. Also, come _on_ , give me back override authority again, I can totally do both ops.

 

Regards,

Jace Lightwood

Weapons Specialist

Lead Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

.

**From:** [lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris)

**To:**[wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris); [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject** : you just send Raj to annoy Lydia, he’s sneaky like that

Oh yes, you’re _definitely_ going to be able to be in two places at once. Simon will be fine, stop worrying. He’s been trained well by Luke _and_ Raphael, and now you as well.

 

Sincerely,

Isabelle Lightwood

Director, Department of Research and Development

On-Call Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

 

P.S. – _working on his aim and stealth_?? Is that a euphemism??

.

**From:** [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)

**To:**[lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris); [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject:** I get it now and I am _disgusted_

Jace please don’t tell you’re having sex with Simon and this is why you’ve been terrorizing the Night Children.

 

Sincerely,

Alec Lightwood

Director, Department of Shadowhunters

Head of Idris Department of Demon Activity

.

**From:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**To:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris); [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject** : NO

I’M NOT HAVING SEX WITH SIMON GOD NO

 

Regards,

Jace Lightwood

Weapons Specialist

Lead Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

.

**From:** [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)

**To:**[lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.isabelle@rd.doda.idris); [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject:** **FWD:** NO

 

….nice job typing in the right email address for our sister, Jace

 

Sincerely,

Alec Lightwood

Director, Department of Shadowhunters

Head of Idris Department of Demon Activity

 

              

> **From:**[wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)
> 
> **To:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris); [lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris](mailto:lightwood.alexander@sh.doda.idris)
> 
> **Subject** : NO
> 
> I’M NOT HAVING SEX WITH SIMON GOD NO
> 
>               
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Jace Lightwood
> 
> Weapons Specialist
> 
> Lead Field Agent, Department of Shadowhunters

 

.

**From:** [lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris](mailto:lewis.simon@nc.doda.idris)

**To:** [wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris](mailto:wayland.cjonathan@sh.doda.idris)

**Subject:**???

I mean….I’m pretty aware of the fact that we’re not having sex. Pretty sure I’d know if that was happening. Thanks for also announcing that to Alec, who’s technically our boss?

 

And I guess it’s nice to know that the idea of being with me repulses you that much. Thanks, Jace.

 

Best,

Simon Lewis

Active Field Agent, Department of Night Children

.

_From the Desk of Jace Wayland_

Clary, I fucked up. He’s not talking to me anymore. How can I make it up to Simon?

.

_From the Desk of Clary Fray_

Jace, just tell him the truth.

.

_From the Desk of Jace Wayland_

How can I make it up in a way THAT ISN’T THAT.

.

NIGHT CHILDREN MEMO

Where’s Simon?

Raphael Santiago

Interim Director, Department of Night Children

 

NIGHT CHILDREN MEMO

Never mind, disregard the last memo. Simon is…in his office. Not being stolen by that Shadowhunter. I’m as shocked as the rest of you.

Raphael Santiago

Interim Director, Department of Night Children

.

_Incident Report:_

_Overview:_ This is going to be the weirdest report to file, but…is Jace Wayland okay? He usually sneaks into our department every other day to see Simon, and he hasn’t in two weeks, and, uh. Well. Just checking to see that he hasn’t been mortally injured or anything. Especially because Simon also seems…sad.

_Witness_ : Lily Chen

_Involved Members_ : Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis

_Additional Comments_ : I cannot believe I’m filing this report.

.

_Notebook: Property of Alec Lightwood_

**Mission Briefing Notes:** Yin Fen Warehouse Crack Down

**Department:** Joint Mission, Shadowhunters + Night Children

**Supervisors:** Alexander Lightwood, Raphael Santiago

**Agents Involved:** Clary Fray, Simon Lewis ~~~~

**Overview** :

  * Clary and Simon will go in tonight to confront Camille
  * Raphael and the rest of his department will wait outside to attack on Simon’s signal
  * Offer other departments’ support ( _note: Raphael assures me not needed_ )
  * Set up perimeter around - who just walked in
  * Why is a warlock here ( _note: Raphael knows him_ )
  * ~~No one told me warlocks look so gorgeous~~
  * ~~Fuck I stuttered over my own name he must think I’m stupid~~
  * ~~He’s amazing oh no~~



**Consensus** : mission should go off perfectly, ~~magnus gave me his number!!!~~

.

[jaceface]: look Simon I know you hate me right now but

[jaceface]: please be safe on your mission tonight

[jaceface]: I promise I won’t interrupt, I just

[jaceface]: please please please be safe

[jaceface]: we don’t know what Camille is capable of, and you’re still a fledgling, and

[jaceface]: I don’t know how I’d keep going if I lost you, please

.

[dizzyizzy]: clary asdfghjkl jace won’t stop being annoying about simon

[dizzyizzy]: u guys are okay, right?

[claryfairy]: omg more than

[claryfairy]: we’re all well trained and we’re rounding up the stragglers now

[claryfairy]: simon did great with Camille!! :)

[dizzyizzy]: thank u so much jace finally shut up

[dizzyizzy]: the silence is beautiful, bless

[claryfairy]: lmao

[dizzyizzy]: I’ll admit, I was a little worried too

[claryfairy]: simon’s days of being kidnapped are over, honestly

[dizzyizzy]: about you

[claryfairy]: oh

[claryfairy]: OH

[claryfairy]: OHHHHHH

[claryfairy]: wanna get dinner tomorrow night?

[claryfairy]: to clarify, a lesbian dinner

[claryfairy]: like, a date. with me!

[dizzyizzy]: I’d love to get lesbian dinner with you tomorrow night. <3

.

[si-fi-mon] u are so dramatic I am fine

[si-fi-mon] can’t believe u still think I can’t handle myself on a case

[si-fi-mon] you’re really milking the whole ‘care about you angle’ but seriously I can hold my own

[jaceface]: you’re an idiot if you think that’s what this is about

[si-fi-mon]: what do you mean

[si-fi-mon]: jace

[si-fi-mon]: NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO STOP RESPONDING

[jaceface]: don’t make me say it

[jaceface]: please

.

_Incident Report (Never Filed):_

_Overview:_ On Thursday of this week, when Simon Lewis arrived back at the Institute after his yin-fen op I marched right up to that ~~handsome~~ horrible man, grabbed him by the collar, and kissed him like my life depended on it. It was a good kiss. I slipped some tongue in there. Simon tastes like the ocean and chocolate. Definitely groped him with way too much enthusiasm for the front entrance of the Institute, where everyone was watching. (He has a really nice torso and abs and when you scratch your nails down his stomach he makes this little hitching noise and how can you not kiss that away). He’s surprisingly warm.

~~The best part was when he kissed me back and told me he felt the same way.~~

_Witness_ : Jace Wayland

_Involved Members_ : Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis

_Additional Comments_ : I don’t know why I’m writing this report. Simon’s in my bed beside me, sleeping off his exhaustion. (Just sleeping. No funny business. I need him to rest so we can get up to _lots_ of funny business tomorrow night.)

I guess…I want to remember this. I want to remember the way it felt to kiss you for the first time, Simon. Maybe one day I’ll give you this and you can read it; I’m halfway in love with you. I have been since you angrily called me Captain America while ranting to Clary. You’re so – good, and wonderful, and kind. Funny, too. Intelligent. Capable. So fucking gorgeous. I just – kissing you felt like coming home. And I hope you feel the same way.

 

**Jace, you sap. I can’t believe you waited until our wedding day to give this old report to me. First of all, what a nerd. You wrote an incident report for our first kiss. Secondly –**

**I’ve always felt the same way. Of course I have. I promise I felt the same way back then, and I feel the same way now. We’re getting _married_ , and I’m so happy that I’m crying. (Don’t make fun of me. I just love you so much). **

**See you at the end of the aisle.**

**-Simon**

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
